Ever since getting involved with the online pagan communities, I would hear the phrase “fallow time” used often in reference to a period of time when one would withdraw from their practice, their devotions, and often many other aspects of their life.
I’ve been in an all-encompassing fallow time for a few months. My practice has stopped, my caring to practice has stopped, and all that’s really left is a desire to find something significant in life but not really knowing how to go about finding it. This isn’t as full of despair as it may sound. So negative a feeling would still require a significant charge, and that’s just it. My feelings on everything have been nonexistent or just flat.
The past week I’ve started trying to do small things, and normally end up facing a block that, as small as it is, is still too big for me to get over in the moment. For example, the other day I really wanted to rearrange the room I did most of my practice and devotion in. But as soon as I walked in, I got overwhelmed by the piles of books on the floor, the fact that nothing was where I wanted it to be, the fact that there wasn’t room for more of what I wanted in it and even if there was there’s not enough money to get it, and if there was enough money what would be the point because I’d never use it anyway… So I just shut the door and walked out again.
It’s as if lately I don’t see enough worth in myself to be deserving of the kind of passion and excitement I had before. I see other people with worlds of opportunities before them, but because I can’t see any in front of me, I just tune everything out. Obviously this affects more than my spiritual path, but because that path is thoroughly blocked at the moment, it isn’t able to provide the fuel to get over the rest of it like it used to.
Today, for the first time in awhile, I felt a small change.
I decided I would do something really direct and small that I wouldn’t be able to find some excuse not to finish. I wanted to find my original rune notes and copy the parts I found useful over to my Songpaths book (the equivalent of my Book of Shadows).
I hadn’t picked up those notes in close to a year now, but as soon as I did, I felt an energy I hadn’t felt since before the fallow times even began. The hope and eagerness I had when I started that rune study still clung to their pages. Flipping through was like seeing a window into a different person, a happier and more fulfilled person. No, she didn’t have a million opportunities open to her either. She certainly didn’t have anymore money than I do. But she was excited about something, and she was doing something.
I still haven’t copied the notes over, though I am going to as soon as I finish this post. It was just something I wanted to share while I had the energy to share it. It’s nice to feel a little bit of excitement again, even if it is still just an echo.