The Pagan Blog Project: F is for Fake
I feel a little as if I’ve been lying for awhile, both to myself and to people who read about my pagan experience. The main reason is that I don’t know if I really consider myself pagan anymore. There are aspects of it I really like, mostly community aspects. The rest I like more because it is extremely interesting to read and learn about, but it doesn’t really ring true as something I believe in. I don’t mean this in any kind of invalidating sense; one thing I do believe is that different things will speak to each person, so just because something doesn’t ring true for me doesn’t mean it won’t for someone else.
Is this where I’ve found myself through a lack of finding a path? Is it for lack of trying? Maybe a little, but I think more than anything it’s just because I’ve seen a little bit of so many things that I haven’t gotten very along in anything. I’ve found myself stepping back and re-evaluating a lot of things.
So when it comes down to it, I feel a little fake in the pagan community, but I don’t want to run off because I’m not 100% sure yet. I still enjoy it and learn so much from it, and there’s not exactly another place that feels anymore right.
What maybe troubles me the most is that I know how there have been times that I’ve written something with absolute certainty, then gone back and found doubt. Maybe it was an experience, or something to do with spellwork or divination. The point is, as often as that has happened to me, I can’t help but wonder how many other people have unintentionally (or perhaps even intentionally) done something that would label them “fake” as well. I doubt almost everything I read of some people’s experiences. I’m a huge skeptic for sure, but I also have a difficult time trusting people. That’s one reason I backed away from online communities for awhile. I was getting very muddled with everyone else’s experiences, sometimes coming through as a wrestling match for who could get the most attention, that I chose to back out of it. I in no way see it as my place to challenge someone’s perspectives or motives, but I can choose not to be around it.
This year I came back because I wanted to start shaping everything again. I am more confident, less inclined to follow, more skeptical, but now able to enjoy reading about different experiences and weigh them against my own without feeling inferior.
So, while I don’t really fully identify as pagan, I hope you all don’t mind me hanging around a little bit more. I’ve enjoyed participating in this project, and I’ve learned a lot from it. And who knows, maybe it’s necessary to the shaping of my beliefs that may eventually lead me back around. If nothing else, it’s been a pleasure learning and writing with so many people that, even if in the end I find it isn’t for me, I would never consider this time wasted.